The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag Read online

  ‘A world of bliss?’ The doctor consulted his notes. ‘And yet in previous interviews you have railed against it, claiming there were beings inside who are out to get us.’

  ‘There are beings inside. But they are benign. It’s a paradise, a world of bliss. I have to make a phone call, please release me.’

  ‘Early days for that,’ said the doctor. ‘Early days.’

  ‘You have to let me make that phone call.’

  ‘Urgent matter, is it?’

  ‘Very urgent, yes.’

  ‘Sorry, no can do. I know that the condemned man is entitled to a hearty breakfast and all that. But you refused your breakfast, didn’t you?’

  ‘I’m not hungry. But I must make a call. You don’t realize what you’re doing. You don’t. You really don’t.’

  ‘My role is quite clear,’ said the doctor. ‘You are a revolutionary. You are condemned to public execution. It will be broadcast live all over the world. My job is to record your final statement and try to assess your mental state. You’re quite a prize, you know. Mental illness is very much a thing of the past.’

  ‘Because mental patients are a thing of the past.’

  ‘What was that you said?’

  ‘Nothing. I said nothing. The phone call. Please let me make it.’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ said the doctor. ‘Let’s return to the Necronet.’

  ‘I’ve said enough to you about that. Get me out of this straitjacket, let me free, you idiot.’

  ‘Easy now,’ said the doctor. ‘Don’t upset yourself.’

  ‘You’ll get it,’ I said. When I get out of here, you’ll get it. I’ll make you pay. You’ll suffer. You’ll burn.’

  ‘I don’t think the tablets are helping,’ said the doctor. ‘Your rage is as pronounced as ever.’

  ‘Call Henry Doors, make the call for me.’

  ‘Now, Henry Doors.’ The doctor consulted his notes. ‘This name’s come up before. You say he is the mind behind Necrosoft, is that right?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Yet there is no record of such an individual. People seem to recall the name. But the more they try to remember, the more they become convinced that they can’t. Henry Doors seems more like some urban myth. How do you account for that?’

  ‘He stays in the background. That’s what he does best. He’s a god. A god who walks upon the earth. Henry Doors is Ogoun Badagris.’

  ‘Ah, yes,’ and the doctor flicked through further notes. ‘One of this pantheon of gods you say inhabit the Necronet. Something to do with this handbag you keep talking about. This voodoo handbag. Now this was when you were in your Lazlo Woodbine persona, wasn’t it?’

  ‘I was never Lazlo Woodbine. I’m not Lazlo Woodbine.’

  ‘Ah, sorry. You’re someone else now, are you? Who might that be?’ More note-turning. ‘Carlos the Chaos Cockroach, is it? Or Barry the Talking Sprout?’

  ‘You know who I am! You know who I am!’

  ‘Let’s have a look.’ The doctor closed his case-note folder. ‘But I don’t need to look, do I? Because you shout it out again and again. All night and all day. You shout it out. And what do you shout?’

  ‘I am Billy Barnes!’ I shouted.

  ‘That’s right, “I am Billy Barnes.” And yet when I look at you, when I look at this raddled wreck, with its missing limbs and its gnawed-away features, I say to myself, this is definitely not Billy Barnes. I saw Billy Barnes on the television only this morning being interviewed about the forthcoming execution. Your execution. Sir, you are not Billy Barnes.’

  ‘But I am!’ I shouted. ‘He tricked me. He tricked me.’

  ‘This other self of yours? This Lazlo Woodbine person?’

  ‘Him and Roger Vulpes.’

  ‘Ah yes, Roger Vulpes, the stealth fox/dog/horse/ human hybrid who is also a god. He was in on this conspiracy too, was he?’

  ‘You don’t understand,’ I said. ‘Let me explain.’

  ‘Go on then,’ said the doctor. ‘Explain to me once more. But this must be the very last time. Your execution is scheduled for noon today.’

  ‘All right, let me speak. Let me tell you how he tricked me.’

  ‘Go on then, but hurry it up.’

  ‘All right. Firstly, you must understand that I am Billy Barnes. Inside, me, in this head. This body is not mine. It’s the body of the revolutionary, my adversary, a man whose memories and personality I downloaded into the Necronet ten years ago. He tried to escape. He discovered that the Necronet occupies the same space as the dream world. He entered my dreams, tried to get at me. But I woke up each time, he couldn’t touch me.’

  ‘So you entered the Necronet yourself to get him, is that right?’

  ‘That’s right. That’s what I did. To give him a serious kicking before I uploaded him back into his body for execution.’

  ‘I follow this up to a point,’ said the doctor. ‘But I can’t follow how you say that you, that is, your personality, memories whatever, the you that is Billy Barnes, is now inside the body I see before me.’

  ‘He tricked me, I told you. I underestimated him. He pulled it off in the least most obvious of all least most obvious ways. He never really meant to get me in my dreams, it was all a trick. All a trick so that I would enter the Necronet and walk right into a trap.’

  ‘I don’t understand the nature of this trap. This was a trap inside the Necronet.’

  ‘No, it was out here. The least most obvious place for it to be. He had Roger Vulpes contact his fiancée in her dreams. She always dreamed of him, so that part was easy.’

  ‘And Roger Vulpes’ fiancée was whom?’

  ‘My chauffeur.’

  ‘Carry on.’

  ‘Roger Vulpes spoke to her in her dreams. And while she was asleep he had her take off her gloves. She couldn’t have done that while she was awake, she didn’t have my permission.’

  ‘Ah yes,’ said the doctor. ‘These were the special gloves you’d made for her, the ones with the pleaser linings.’

  ‘Exactly. I never noticed that she’d taken them off. I never noticed.’

  ‘So what did she do?’

  ‘At the downloading suite in the Necrosoft Headquarters. After I’d been downloaded into the Necronet, she switched the headsets. Mine and this bastard whose body I’m now in. She switched them. When Henry Doors uploaded us, he uploaded me into this body and him into mine.

  ‘Very cunning,’ said the doctor. ‘Very clever plan.’

  ‘Just let me make the phone call. Let me call Henry Doors, he’ll know when I tell him, when I speak to him, he’ll know it’s me.’

  ‘The number you gave us has been disconnected,’ said the doctor. ‘This Henry Doors of yours seems to have gone to ground, as it were.’

  ‘Let me free, you bastard! Let me free!’

  ‘I think that’s enough,’ said the doctor. ‘You are clearly in a delusional state. We’d best get you some medication to calm you down.’

  ‘No! Don’t do that! No!’

  The doctor reached for the little button on his desk and pushed it. The office door opened and a large male nurse stood looming.

  ‘Nurse Cecil,’ said the doctor. ‘Please take Mr, well, Mr Whomever-he-thinks-he-is-today back to his room, and—’

  ‘Administer the medication, sir?’

  ‘Administer the medication, yes.’

  ‘No! No! No! No! No!’

  ‘Shall I use the large needle, sir?’

  ‘The very large one, nurse, yes please.’

  I was hauled from the office and out into the corridor, booted along it and back into my room.

  Well, I say my room.

  But of course I wasn’t me any more, was I?

  The body might have once been mine.

  But the mind that now dwelt within it was not.

  It was the mind of Billy Barnes.

  And so I gave him a kicking before I administered the medication.

  Well, I say I.

  I mean of course Nurse
Cecil.

  Except that Nurse Cecil’s memory and personality had been temporarily downloaded into the Necronet and mine had been temporarily relocated inside his head. Well, you wouldn’t begrudge me that extra little bit of triumph, would you?

  ‘Here, shithead,’ I said to Billy Barnes. ‘You’ll never guess what I intend to do with this electric cattle prod.’

  WAKE UP, CHIEF!

  ‘Oh, Barry, thanks, did I doze off again?’

  ‘You did, chief, you were dreaming you were Billy Barnes.’

  ‘Was that a nice dream, Barry, or a nightmare?’

  ‘Probably a nice dream, chief, considering how things really worked out.’

  ‘They didn’t work out too well then?’

  ‘Not too well.’

  ‘But I can’t remember what happened. I’m all confused, things just keep going round in circles again and again and again.’

  ‘Like a serpent with its tail in its mouth, chief.’

  ‘Just like that, Barry. Why is it so dark in here?’

  ‘The cupboard door’s locked.’

  ‘Which cupboard’s that?’

  ‘The one where Billy keeps the voodoo handbag.’

  ‘What voodoo handbag?’

  ‘The one in the story.’

  ‘What story?’

  ‘The one that we’re in.’

  ‘And who are we?’

  We’re skulls on the voodoo handbag, chief.’

  ‘What voodoo handbag?’

  ‘The one in the story.’

  ‘What story?’

  ‘The one that we’re in.’

  ‘And who are we?’

  ‘We’re skulls on a voodoo handbag.’

  ‘What voodoo handbag?’

  ‘The one in the story.’

  ‘What story?’

  ‘The one that we’re in.’

  ‘And who are we?’

  ‘We’re—’

  WAKE UP, CHIEF!

  ‘Oh, Barry, thanks. Did I doze off again?’

  ‘You did, chief. And you mustn’t do that. Not in your important role as World Leader.’

  ‘Oh, yes. We pulled it off, didn’t we? And you helped, I know you helped.’

  ‘I might have slipped the occasional bit of inspiration in here and there, chief, made the lady chauffeur doze off at the appropriate moment so Roger could get your message to her, things of that nature.’

  ‘You’re a good lad, Barry. A regular Holy Guardian.’

  ‘I aim to please, chief, I aim to please. Although sometimes I wonder.’

  ‘Wonder what, Barry?’

  ‘Wonder what we all sometimes wonder, I suppose, chief—’

  WHETHER I’M DREAMING YOU,

  OR YOU’RE DREAMING ME.

  NECROSOFT WORLDWIDE NEWSFLASH

  In an act of supreme mercy and humanitarianism, World Leader Billy Barnes ordered an eleventh-hour stay of execution for the revolutionary variously known as Lazlo Woodbine, Carlos the Chaos Cockroach et al. The World Leader said that he had no wish to take the life of a being so sadly deluded and utterly harmless. The death penalty would never again be used, he said. And the revolutionary would receive treatment at a secure institution.

  In a move that stunned the world, Mr Barnes also chose this moment to announce that he is stepping down from office. In future, he said, democratically elected representatives of the people will rule in his place.

  He also announced that, as of today, Necrosoft Industries would cease trading.

  The world awaits further news.

  ‘Nice one, chief.’

  ‘Thanks, Barry.’

  Also by

  ROBERT RANKIN

  The Antipope

  The Brentford Triangle

  East of Ealing

  The Sprouts of Wrath

  Armageddon: The Musical

  They Came and Ate Us

  The Suburban Book of the Dead

  The Book of Ultimate Truths

  Raiders of the Lost Car Park

  The Greatest Show Off Earth

  The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived

  The Garden of Unearthly Delights

  A Dog Called Demolition

  Nostradamus Ate My Hamster

  Sprout Mask Replica

  The Brentford Chainstore Massacre

  The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag

  Apocalypso

  Snuff Fiction

  Sex and Drugs and Sausage Rolls

  Waiting for Godalming

  Web Site Story

  The Fandom of the Operator

  The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse

  The Witches of Chiswick

  Knees Up Mother Earth

  The Brightonomicon

  The Toyminator

  The Da-da-de-da-da Code

  Necrophenia

  Retromancer

  The Japanese Devil Fish Girl and Other Unnatural Attractions

  The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age

  The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds

  Illustrated works:

  The Bumper Book of Ficts written by Neil Gardner

  EMPIRES

  E-book edition cover illustration by Robert Rankin

  Additional editing and art direction, all the fun of the fair, ice creams and choc ices, candy floss, three balls for a pound, and still she lives!!!

  Rachel Hayward

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